31st July 1421: I can hardly contain myself, Gandalf is to ask the Lord of the Eagles if he or one of his brethren would bear me to Rivendell to talk to Bilbo. I shall find out tomorrow. If it happens, I would be presenting Bilbo with something rather outside of our relationship. I don't know what he would think. I know, as Pippin and Merry said, that he wants me to be happy but he also worries about me. Will he be satisfied that I'll be safe, if I do not join him at the Havens? Will I be satisfied?
I suppose I am making too much of this.... that sounds like what Bilbo might say. What if he's been looking forward to going with me? What if this news disappoints him dreadfully? What if he asks me to go with him anyway? No, he wouldn't do that, he wouldn't say much about how disappointed he is.
I've come to only one more conclusion, and that is, I will not know any of these answers until I talk to him and it is pointless to worry about it all now. I have the most generous friends in the world, surely, to support me so much! What if Lily came with me to see Bilbo? But then I don't want to be a nuisance to the Eagles by asking to take both of us. Ah, for the wisdom of the Elves and wizards!
I'm surprised Merry and Pippin were so serious. I can only assume something is coming later. I remember them teasing Sam about Rose. Well, I did some of that too, didn't I! If it had occurred to me back then that I might be on the receiving end some day I would have been more lenient. I suppose that's part of it all, though.... Rosie teases Sam too. What is it like, I wonder, to have such feelings for someone for years and know that she feels the same? I've never, until meeting her again last year, thought of Lily as anything other than a friend who understood some of the difficult emotions I had round the time of moving into Bag End. I never thought she had any other opinion of me. What is it that makes me think this way now? Is it simply the prospect of leaving the Shire forever, and not quite wanting to? Do I not want to go because of the feelings for Lily? It seemed so easy when Gandalf first approached me about leaving. I didn't need more than a few days to decide I was ready to go. Somehow, after making that decision, something changed even though I haven't heard from Lily since I was in Oakleaf.
Well, I have the impression many people don't know why they decide to marry when they do. I'll be interested to hear Lily's opinion on this. Since she knows me fairly well she might have an insight or two that's escaping me. It's been so long since I've been this uncertain about myself. Decisions are easier when I don't have to think about me! I never realised that before. I remember, many years ago, wishing something exciting would happen. I have learned that wishing for things is dangerous..... I am going to try to just let things happen!
While I'm thinking about it, I need to explain to Sam and Rosie that I might be going to see Bilbo. If I do go, it might be for a few days and they need to know that. I should, perhaps, ask Rosie what her opinion is. She has ideas that neither Sam nor I can have. Even Sam has been around women more than I, and he's been fond of only Rosie for years! What is it about women that makes men think about them so much, sometimes? It isn't simple companionship for men have deep friendships among themselves. Is it only that women bear children? Surely that's not it. What is it in the presence of a woman that can be so compelling..... they can be just as understanding as men, they can be just as senseless, so I'm told. This seems to be a question I ought to have a notion about before meeting Lily again.
For that matter, why does Lily feel so strongly about me? She did say she is happy providing for herself and she does have her own home. Why does she want to be around me? What does she find in me that she cannot find elsewhere? I must ask her that. There is no particular honour in being a Ringbearer, I cannot even claim to be the one who destroyed the Ring. I failed at that though it was done. I will gain no title or riches. There is no obvious reason why she should choose me over anyone else. Now Sam, for example, has an endless list of qualities that would attract many. I may have brought the Ring up Mount Doom but it was Sam who got me there. He is the very best friend anyone could want and I can see that he dotes on Rosie and little Elanor. But me, I'm a terribly plain person, not even sure what I want to do with myself. I'm often not even especially wise.
The next question therefore is, why do I want to be with her? She knows me well, but Sam probably knows me better. She can make me laugh and smile, but so can Merry and Pippin. She has beautiful eyes, but so does Arwen, and certainly Arwen is no more to me than a friend; a High Elf Lady who chose to give up her chance to live forever among her people so she could wed the man she loves. She knew I was troubled and gave me this gem to help me. The Lady Galadriel has more than merely beautiful eyes, there is so much in them I can never hope to explain. But she too is no more to me than a very wise Elf friend. For all the time I spent with Fatty Bolger and his sister, I never grew fond of her. And, why did Sam fall for Rosie and not me? Well that's easier; those two are very like each other and fill in each other's gaps, so to speak. They are both very rooted people. While Sam enjoyed coming with me when ever I took him wandering, he was always so glad to get back home. He worried so about the gardens and sometimes his gaffer. He is concerned about the same details in life that Rosie is.
That being the case it looks like Pippin and Merry are right, this will not be simple! And yet, if both our lives can be enriched by being together, I think that should make up for the complexity.