6 February 2006 I love Mondays. Itís an easy work day, and Iím home alone. I can regroup and recommit to the changes I want to make after a hectic weekend. I feel so blessed to have such wonderful supportive friends. I was telling one of them about Craigís uncertainty as to whether or not I can actually complete a 100-mile race, and she reminded me that my purpose is to make the attempt. And as Iíve told some of my friends, it is not my purpose to win the race or even come in fast but simply to finish the thing. I think I can do that. One more week of taking it easy, and then a SLOW build up in my routines. Though, in truth, Iíve already started, in that I am starting to use higher gears more often. Thankfully, the shoulder is almost completely healed.
7 February 2006 Iím tired; too many nights in a row not getting much sleep. Biked 20 miles, plus physical therapy and walking the dog. I did see the Mr. Wood look-a-like, as he breezed passed me. LOL! Started MissB on DGP Dog-Gone Pain. Itís a natural pain reliever, and not as hard on the liver as her Rimadyl. Sheís actually done very well with Rimadyl and Iíd like to give her more as her discomfort has been increasing but I dare not because she gets squirrely thinking she can do things she canít. Then sheís really in trouble. So Iím hoping this stuff will help. She is moving better, but her eating is weird. Trying to get used to the new doctor is frustrating. It takes so long to do a tape. Patience, I know, but I want it RIGHT NOW! Iím actually feeling pretty good today and relieved to see the swelling and skin discoloration are almost completely gone. One more week.
8 February 2006 Worked harder on the bike ride, though it was only eight miles. I made a more concerted effort to use a higher gear more. It felt good. Physical therapy and first walk with MissB are done. She isnít any worse on the DGP, so weíll keep trying it for another day. Speaking of trying, the next time I go to a store Iíll be picking up a variety of protein bars. As is typical for me, Iíll see which ones I like the taste of and of those which see me through the morning better. Iíve tried two and theyíre all right but then Iíve nothing to compare so my loves for experimenting will get a new outlet besides recipes.... well, itís recipes, just not ones Iím cooking. LOL! Another long work day ahead. Yesterday, DrR asked how far Iíd gone since last October. I guess about 1,000 miles. Then on the way home I wondered if I had figured that correctly, so I checked. Yep, just over 1,000 miles since October. What am I thinking?
9 February 2006 Good bike ride this morning. Had to be really careful at Elliott. The drivers were on less than good behavior. I suspect itís the overcast clouds. Weíre not used to them. LOL! I watched as two drivers made right turns on red with a sign clearly posted ďNo Turn on Red.Ē One was wearing a Lance Armstrong Live Strong bracelet. And I wondered what Lance would think if he knew someone was breaking the law who professed by wearing the bracelet that he believed in Lance and what he stood for? Then I wondered how often do others look at me who know Iím a Christian and wonder when my behavior is less than Christian? Iím feeling a lot stronger today, in many ways. I pushed harder and did the bike ride, with stops, in two hours. My weight is dropping a pound a day right now, so Iím back to what I was before the PMS excitement. LOL! MissB is doing better, i.e., moving better, but eating less, but she is still eating so weíll continue on the DGP for another day. I find it amusing that when gear four starts getting difficult if I kick it up to gear five and pedal harder for a short distance and then shift back down to four itís ever so much easier. LOL!
10 February 2006 Today is not a good day. MissB is deteriorating quickly now. I can bear it if she goes Home, peacefully in her sleep. I am uncertain if my faith in God is strong enough to endure if I must call the vet. I know I shall miss her sweet spirit terribly but Iíd willingly release her if it is to peace without fear. The vet cannot offer that. She is so afraid. I do not want her last memories of me to include the terror of the vet. If I must make that phone call, I donít think Iíll ever be able to forgive God. She deserves a gentle peaceful parting, after all, sheís lived in this house and has known too much fear already. I know that without her my life will finally be completely hell on earth but I wish heaven for her more. I need to think about calling the vet. Sheís suffering. Right now, I hate God and yet not, for He gave me her as well. Has she asked me to help her home and I havenít heard her? God forgive me. I gave her a Rimadyl this morning and am amazed by the difference one pill can make for her. We just had a long talk and she has rallied, for a little longer anyway. She is my child who reminds me to take a few minutes to sit outside in the afternoon and enjoy the moment.
11 February 2006 I thought about deleting yesterdayís entry but decided against it. This is the side of me I rarely show anyone and yet this is the side that leads me closer to God. Iíve made it a careful habit not to cry to God ďEnough! No more!Ē until I truly have reached my limit, when death is inviting, for if I complain too soon I find myself tested further to learn that I truly could endure a little bit more. As I reflect on yesterdayís storm, I realize that some of it was being overtired from not getting enough sleep, some of it was worrying about MissB and trying to find the best way to make her as comfortable as possible, but also my worry about this new doctor Iíve picked up and whether or not I can do this. As I sobbed ďEnough! No more!Ē I felt the weight on my shoulders lift a bit and I know Who eased my burden. I have often wondered whether or not I have truly accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. I have said it countless times and yet I felt that I was missing that change of heart that such an acceptance brings. Suddenly I know: That person Iím becoming that I didnít think I was actually is what God intended all along. I simply wasnít familiar with the direction. He allowed me to stumble along the best I was able without ever chastising me but only encouraging and guiding the next small step. I could not fully embrace the Atonement because I did not fully embrace myself. The Atonement is for all of me, not just bits and pieces and it works best if applied in Full not in part. Yesterdayís storm is a part of who I am and who Iíve always been. Rather than shun the lack of faith and the anger, I must embrace it for that is the only way I can change it. God does not shun the sinner but rather embraces them so that His Love can change them, if they will let it. God wants me to change and become more than I am not something Iím not. Just as I was finally able to start losing weight because I accepted the weight and more importantly why I carried it and now Iím able to release it. Iíve dropped another five pounds. As I walked MissB this morning and sorted out my thoughts I felt a soft gentle breeze against my face and I thought of FlyLadyís term: a God Breeze. That is what has been given to me today: a God Breeze. Now, at last, I can honestly accept the Atonement of Jesus Christ for me because I accept me in a way I never have before. I know that MissB is sustained by Godís loving hand simply because He knows I need her. And should I need to call the vet, God will take care of us, but that time has not yet come. So, Iíll enjoy each precious moment and allow God to continue to polish this small stone, for I know He sees the light and beauty within and His hand is able to reveal it in full, if Iíll trust to Him and allow Him to touch my life, ALL my life.
12 February 2006 Today is my blessed day of reflection. I attended church for a short time this morning. It felt good to be there. As I walked there and back I thought about the Olympics and came to the realization that I love sports. Growing up, the only Ďacceptableí sports were track and field and ice skating. I watched the Super Bowl last week and loved it, even if the team I chose lost. Iíve been watching most of the events of the Olympics. Iím amazed, impressed, and inspired. As I watched one of the pair skaters, I decided I was really quite the wimp. He blew out his Achillesí tendon six months ago and now is doing jumps, etc, and landing on that left foot. That was only six months ago and now he is competing in the Olympics. I was diagnosed with the herniated disk over a year ago. My century race isnít for another nine months. I can do this. So todayís plan, besides some writing, is to make a more concrete plan for my training. This week I will be considered pretty much back to normal. I can do this. Yesterday, my sister and I had fun grocery shopping. I had a chat with her husband and asked him about which protein bars are best and he immediately called his hiking buddy. So my sister and I took an extra trip to Trader Joeís. We couldnít find what we were looking for, so I asked a guy stocking shelves. He knew exactly what I was looking for and made some helpful suggestions. We had also stopped at Target for dog food and I picked four different bars to try. My brother-in-love (a FlyLady term) told me that the bars work a little better if you eat them an hour before. I laughed and told him I wasnít awake an hour before I started my bike ride. MissB is doing well, bless her. I am so richly blessed.