15 May 2006 Life is taking a decidedly unexpected turn for me. I have been getting rid of things and getting rid of things and getting rid of things, some things that Iíve had for years and years. But I donít want to pack them. Unfortunately, Iím also stuffing. Iím trying to grieve, as Kevin advised I do, but itís difficult and I finally realize Iím throwing myself into physical things to keep my mind occupied and my hands busy. As soon as I sit down to read or write or relax, there is food in my hand. It feels good to finally be ridding myself of some things that have stared at me from the shelf, somehow a physical condemnation that Iíve failed in some way or another. I disposed of several bottles of jam that I made years ago, and a good thing too, as I believe some of it was fermenting, or worse. Shelves are clearing away, and being able to move is becoming more manageable, without so much stuff. How am I doing right now? Almost a half-gallon of rocky road ice cream in one afternoon should say it all. I was up at 4am with MissB, but had the mess, including her, cleaned up in less than 20 minutes. She was a little restless, so I read HP3 and by the time she settled it was time for me to get up and getting going. Ate breakfast, walked MissB, 10-mile bike ride (got to see my sister as she left for work, which was nice), another short walk for MissB once I was home, then physical therapy, and picked blackberries. Got things ready to make blackberry jam, called a friend and chatted while I cleaned up the old jam jars, then made jam, made rice and beef for MissB, and teriyaki beef, veggies and rice for me, did three loads of laundry (two for MissB and one for me) during all this, finished HP3 this evening while clearing away more things (three trash bags -store size- full). Iím tired.
16 May 2006 Learned something new. Several months ago, I got a flat tire; got it repaired. I checked the side of the tire for how much air to add. I saw 50 PSI, so Iíve been carefully keeping about 50 PSI for the last several months. Yesterday, it seems my brain finally kicked into gear. I checked the side of the tire again, just to double check the number and I see: Min 50 PSI Max 80 PSI. Oh dear. Needless-to-say, I now have between 60 and 70 PSI and biking was sooooo much easier today. *blush* Glad I finally figured that one out. As I was thinking about the *error*, I found myself thinking of the half-gallon of rocky road I put away yesterday afternoon. I suddenly realized that it is one of my few ďcomfort foods.Ē Thinking back, I can remember different times in my life when the question arose about what were my comfort foods. Others suggested things like mac and cheese and such. I could never think of any, until now. So on my 20-mile bike ride (I shaved off a few miles due to the heat and glad I did), I did a mental search for every possible comfort food in my diet. Clearly, rocky road goes without saying. What other foods canít I resist and will eat even if Iím not hungry. Chocolate cake. Close behind those to faves are popcorn and box cereal and A&W root beer; those foods all have pleasant memories attached to them. Now to learn to enjoy them without overindulging in them.
17 May 2006 Wound up with a migraine yesterday. Iíve got that dull headache and fragile feeling today. I decided to take it easy today. Iím a bit worried I might have gotten dehydrated as well, so Iím going to be more careful about getting water down today. I have to be ready for tomorrowís bike ride. If I end up in the same shape after my ride tomorrow, Iím going to be in trouble for the rest of the summer. I slept most of the afternoon and felt a little better yesterday, but went to bed early. My stomach is a mess. I really need to learn to eat better. If Iím going to expect my body to perform like an athlete, then I should feed it like one, but this is going to be a new experience for me. I know the general basics; Iíve simply never put them into practice for very long. Hmmm.... come to think of it, Iíve been doing pretty well with my three meals a day. Theyíre pretty healthy, so maybe itís time I learned to incorporate healthy snacks; staring today!
18 May 2006 Six months to the bike race. I decided to not bike again today, simply because Iím still tired and still have a bit of a headache.
19 May 2006 Did a seven-mile bike ride today and did all right. At least in the first part of the day. Did some serious stress eating during the afternoon and evening. Sigh.
20 May 2006 MissB and I have been together for 17 years. Where has the time gone? What a blessing she is to me. I can remember bringing her home as if it were yesterday. That black, fuzzy, wiggly body that easily fit in my two hands. The way she would bury her face in my neck. Her curiosity... that hasnít changed. Her bright eyes... they havenít changed either, though perhaps in truth theyíre older, wiser, tired more often, but still bright. No biking today, as I was feeling a bit off, which I know I can blame on my eating. However, I did do my physical therapy and did some walking with MissB as well as some shopping with my sister in the afternoon. Iím a bit dry. Iím wondering if I can get this under control again. Iíll be in a world of hurt if I canít. At least the headache is gone.
21 May 2006 I had to take an allergy pill this morning, so Iíll have to be more careful about drinking all my water today. Family dinner today. I think Iíll keep MissB company back here. Iím tired. FlyLady posted a testimonial this morning I found uplifting. She did not know the source, so I went hunting. I didnít find it either but did find a 2002 version, which is the one I decided to keep:
I am life, I am spirit, I am consciousness. I am lovable and capable. I am natureís greatest miracle. I am a unique and precious human being. No-one in the universe is quite the same or has exactly the same impact on the world as my own unique and precious self. Even though my awareness may differ from others, my worthiness is absolutely equal with all, for no-one in the world is more or less important than I am.
My loyalty is firstly to my true self and what's true to me. I have no need to worship other's opinions. I stand up for myself and act accordingly. I am in charge of my own thoughts and images. This way I am consciously in charge of my own life. I can create for myself as I choose. I have inner strength, wisdom and compassion sufficient enough to handle anything I will encounter.
Knowing I am not my actions, I allow myself the freedom to make mistakes and to be defeated without feeling guilty or inferior. I give myself the freedom to be wrong, to fail and to be less than perfect.
I differ to no-one on account of their wealth, power or prestige. I can say "no" even when I know it will displease others. I do not let others talk me into things against my better judgement. I do not deny my own needs, feelings or what's true for me in order to please others.
I acknowledge I am without blame or guilt, for in the whole of my life, in every situation, I know I have done the best I could with what I knew at the time and the circumstances I was in at the time, and I always will.
In giving up all reasons for remorse or guilt, blame or shame to do with any past actions, I now have warm and loving feelings towards myself, for I am totally worthy and have every reason to have a high opinion of myself.
I refrain from all value judging or having expectations of others, and I am free of resentment and bitterness. I allow all people the right to their own unique awareness.
I do not allow personal comparisons to affect my sense of worth. I do not try to prove my worth by accomplishments. I realise I cannot prove or disprove my worth by what I do.
My very existence proves my innate worth and importance. I am patient, kind and gentle with myself. I am okay, alright. My number one responsibility is my own life and wellbeing;
I therefore have the innate authority and freedom to satisfy my own needs first.
I acknowledge that everything I recognise as good and beautiful in another must also be in me to recognise it in the other. I love and cherish my wonderful precious self, for I accept myself totally and unconditionally.
As the soul, I am an indestructible spiritual being.
I AM ENOUGH !
I must admit that I donít agree with the philosophy that I am without blame or guilt or that Iíve always done my best. If this is true, then what is repentance for? Iím not always my best self. That is when Iím unhappy. But being my best self does not mean I am perfect; it simply means I am striving to be like my Savior and embracing his blessed Atonement on my behalf, accepting that I make mistakes but God does not love me less because of them. He loves me so much in spite of them that he sacrificed His Beloved Son, who volunteered to be that Sacrifice. How ungrateful I would be if I imagined God the Eternal Father and His Son Jesus Christ werenít able to rescue me from my fallen state, to raise me up if only I will turn to them and reach out to the Hand that they extend to me, unfailing and shining, enlightening even the darkest corners of my heart. He is able to comfort and uplift no matter the circumstances. And how grateful I am for the times He sits on the floor quietly beside me and allows me to weep and mourn but never, never alone. My life has been blessed beyond measure, by a loving Father who knows the horrors I have endured and promises He is near and aware in every fiber of his being and has helped me carry the burden, for I could not have survived alone. I do not understand His Plan for me and sometimes rail against it, bitterly, but He is patient with me, and willing to lead me not at the quick pace I desire to simply get through, but step by step so I may learn each and every lesson He desires for me. It is difficult to be patient, but a lesson I have been willing to submit to often enough that God knows that even when I rail, there is a part of me that accepts and gladly bends to His Will. And so the lessons continue, though I rant and stumble and fall and even rage, from time to time, God knows my worth, even when I do not, and His infinite patience and love for me bids Him to be ever near, waiting for that soul burning moment when I face Him again, as I always do, offering Him my hand to lead me in His Path, though I do not grasp His intent: I trust Him.