22 May 2006 I didnít do a bike ride today, but did do walking and physical therapy. Iím wondering what in the world I am thinking. Iím tired and my eating is completely out of control. I know part of it... no, it is all about the grieving process.
23 May 2006 Back to the routine. I biked nine miles this morning and did pretty well. Iíll be adding a mile a day until I ďhit the wall.Ē Weíll see how I do.
24 May 2006 Biked 10 miles today with no problem. I also discovered that I do better if I can arrange to ďtieĒ my backpack to the handlebars. I have six more pretty jars sitting on my shelves. There is something so satisfying about making jam.
25 May 2006 Biked 11 miles today with no problem. I came to the realization that Iím trying to hide behind my weight again, so Iím endeavoring to reassure myself that I am safe and donít need to do that any more. Weíll see how good I am at brainwashing myself. Iím feeling less stressed.
26 May 2006 Biked 12 miles today with no problem. As I sat outside with MissB this morning, I realized I was underestimating my food issues. I remember my mother stealing food off my plate because she thought I didnít want it and she didnít want it to go to waste, no matter how many times I told her I liked to save my favorite for last. And yet oddly enough I continued to save what I like best for last, but wolfing in the hope that I can get to it before she would. I learned to eat an entire meal in less than 10 minutes. She takes longer, so I was assured that I would get what I wanted without it disappearing. Things Iím beginning to comprehend I learned: You can only save things no one else wants. And if you save anything else, it will be taken away, unless of course you hide it. I eat alone almost all of the time, unless I go out to eat with someone. I try not to let the gobble habit manifest itself in public, though Iím not always successful. I can remember her asking for tastes of what Iíd cooked, which I knew always tasted good, and then she would complain about how high in calorie it must be and what sheíd change to make it better. I can also remember when I finally started saying Ďnoí when she asked for a taste. I was sick of the complaining. I used to share the cookies and cakes I made, until she started commenting on how fattening it was and how she shouldnít be eating it. So I made it easier; I didnít offer it anymore. If she asked for some, I would say Ďno.í Iím actually quite good at saying Ďno.í I hadnít even realized, but there are other boundaries (more important ones) that I am still completely incapable of defending. Why does it feel like Iím having something ripped from my insides when I admit that Iím struggling with the grieving process that Kevin advised I accept? I know heís right and have known for a very long time. But then we did talk about the simple fact that by admitting I need to grieve, then I concede that I am giving up, even though I know without doubt there is no hope anyway. I never realized what an incredibly optimistic person I am, despite the best efforts of some of my family members to change that. My younger brother used to call me Odie, and it wasnít meant kindly. Life definitely did not turn out the way I planned, but then I must admit to myself that my plan was based on a thick layer of lies. Fortunately, I do have a firm foundation in Christ or I would never have survived. Now I need to strip away all the lies and start rebuilding. I guess thatís what this race really means to me: starting over with a new perspective. Even though Iíve been frustrated with my cycling recently, Iíve come to realize that I can do the long rides, just not so late in the day. Sounds funny saying that about riding at 8am. However, I know I could do it if it were simply earlier in the day, so the problem isnít actually with me; itís the environment.
27 May 2006 Biked 13 miles today with no problem, though I could feel it was a little tougher than the lower miles. This heat is just so difficult to cope with. Also did an extra mile walk to my sisterís to be sure her cat had water and food while sheís gone for the weekend. I am doing much better with water intake.
28 May 2006 Day of rest. MissB and I took a short walk this morning. The summer heat is coming on, and itís difficult to deal with, and not just for MissB. Though I slept more last night, I donít feel more rested. I keep coming back to the grieving process. I need a change of view. DrS mentioned this week that the average grieving time span is six months. I also have read that it can take up to four years. I know for Pawn it took me three years to finally be at peace with it. I want to stop feeling stuck. I want to move forward. I keep looking on the TNT website for info on the race, but so far itís still simply only listed. Thereís no meeting scheduled yet. Right now, Iím no longer sure Iím capable of doing the race. Fortunately, I donít have to decide today. Well, thatís an unpleasant surprise for the day. I canít access my website to update my journal. It makes me wonder if I should post this entry at all. Perhaps, for today, Iíll put it off. Not like I have much choice since I canít access the site anyway. At least the site is still posted, so Iím guessing thereís a difference in what my pc recognizes. PCs are so annoying sometimes. It never helps when Iím this tired, either, because I feel like Iíve been outfoxed by a machine, a machine that I know is actually incredibly stupid. Maybe a nap is in order today, though Iím not sure I can settle that much. It never helps when I feel like Iím being punished. ďThe wicked are punished by the wicked.Ē Iím acutely aware of all my faults and shortcomings, which I suspect is partly due to hormones at this point, but there is, unfortunately, no way around it but through.