5 June 2006 MissB woke me at 1am, 2am, and 330am. As I biked to drop off work it finally registered what I was dreaming about at 330am. I was having a nightmare, having to deal with a different dogís health issues and decide to put it down. Iím afraid to go to sleep a night because I might have nightmares, and when I do go to sleep I do have nightmares, and MissB wakes up worried for me, then I wake up hearing her distress. It seems to help if I sleep with a dim light on. Iíll try it tonight to see how it works. For my weekly home blessing today (FlyLady), I shredded unneeded receipts, seasoned my new skillet, did a bit of laundry, and got rid of a few more things. Itís amazing what you can get done in an hour, plus a little more. I essentially worked while the two loads of laundry were done. If I donít stay on top of it, I forget. I biked eleven miles today without any trouble, except that it is really, really hot. I need to remember to do an ice bandana for tomorrow, to see if it helps things.
6 June 2006 Iíve been learning about perfectionism (not as the Lord sees it but as the world does) and Iíve known how it impedes my progress by freezing me into inaction, but now I understand how it adversely affects dear MissB. My plan is to give her a Rimadyl every 12 hours. In my perfectionism, it must be at the time I appoint, which as been about 9am morning and evening. The problem is that I sometimes get busy or sidetracked and the next thing I know she is really struggling. Starting today, she gets a pill morning and evening, when I get back from my bike ride and before bed. I also realize how perfectionism has robbed me of joy: the pleasure of each day I have MissB. I would see how she is failing and there were good days and bad days. Now, today, every day is a good day because I have her. Itís ridiculous to lament her failing health. Sheís 17 years old! The body wears out! Now, I celebrate those beautiful bright eyes, her desire to please, her soft beautiful fur that I still get to pet every day, her willingness to still play hide and seek for her treats, her enjoyment of particular foods and treats, how cool the room is for her sake! LOL! She is such a joy and pleasure and the natural bumps of life are no longer going to be seen as obstacles. I grew up with the sense that I must maintain calm at all times no matter what. Oneís life should be seen as smooth and peaceful no matter the turmoil. How boring and how impossible to maintain. Life is meant to be lived, with joy and enthusiasm, neither of which sounds calm. The lake without a ripple quickly grows boring to watch unless you are looking at the scenery reflected in it, but who wants to be appreciated for being a shadow of the full beauty spread out before one?
7 June 2006 I only did my nine-mile ride today. It was windy and threatening rain. I had no desire to get caught in it, not that I donít enjoy walking in rain (provided thereís no lightening about), but my bike would not do well with it. Kept things short simply because Paddyís Flea, aka MissB, walked around the house and in and out and in and out for about nine hours yesterday, finally setting at about midnight, because I told her to go to bed. Dogs are supposed to sleep 18 hours a day! Sure, sure. Meet MY dog. LOL! Did finally get the thunderstorm this evening, with lightening, thunder, blessed rain and two hours of no power, which came back before it got too horribly awful miserable for MissB. In my quest to understand the importance of being healthy as opposed to normal, which is what Iíve struggled for all my life, a dear friend shared this quote with me: ďĎNormalí is a setting on a dryer.Ē Dr. Luis A. Herrera
8 June 2006 I had a wonderful lunch with my sister. We talked for almost four hours. A short tape day; I managed to get all my work done. MissB is struggling today. Those back legs are weakening. It is only a matter of time. I pray desperately for courage to be happy for her. It helps her be calm. God have mercy.... I thought that was the end of my entry, but I just read the Day Springís Fatherís Day Blessings reminding us that for some of us our Fatherís will not be there for us, but our Heavenly Father always is. It was exactly what I needed to hear. I am not alone in this struggle; God is with me and what more could I possibly ask than that?
9 June 2006 I am endeavoring to remain optimistic, not that MissB will live for another year, or even months and months, but simply that God will take care of us. I slept with the nightlight last night, and it worked for MissB. She slept through the night without much difficulty. Iíve been keeping to biking only nine miles a day. It is so hot, and Iím terribly tired. Iím also still walking with MissB, though very short walks, and doing my physical therapy. Talking to my sister, yesterday, I have also finally figured out something that has baffled me for years. I always felt like I must have some sort of label pasted on my forehead. It was the only way I could explain the manipulative and abusive men who have gravitated toward me throughout my life. Now I know that I did wear a label of sorts. When I first meet people I am very submissive and withdrawn. I made it a habit to step back until I Ďgot the lay of the landí so to speak, but I didnít have the wherewithal to assert myself, even when I realized I was in a pickle. I need to learn to be myself, and a shrinking violet Iím not, nor a doormat.... well, I was for a long time, but Iím not anymore!
10 June 2006 I decided I didnít want to leave MissB today, so I didnít go for a bike ride. I did, however, decide I couldnít stand how long the lawn was getting, but I also knew I was too worn to do the whole thing, so I just did the center, which was what was bothering me the most. LOL! FlyLady says that I donít have to do things perfectly. ;-) My sister brought me a bouquet of three yellow and pink roses in a vase surrounded by babyís breath. Itís beautiful. Because of FlyLadyís admonition to declutter, I was pleased to actually have a spot to put the flowers so I could enjoy them as I work at my computer. While she was out running errands today, she picked up a 74 oz water bottle for me, which will make it easier for me to drink all the water I need, every day. Lost my footing on the stairs, this afternoon; landed on the edge of the bottom step with my lower back and knocked my head against another step. Needless-to-say, Iíve got some serious bruising and swelling across my lower back, but the head seems none-the-worse-for-wear. I took ibuprofen and then used some arnica oil, and now the pain isnít too bad. As soon as I landed, my first thought was whether or not all my limbs could move, so I tested. My poor body, what it must put up with. lol! I did get some writing on my stories done. It felt good, especially as it has been a while.
11 June 2006 Iíve been thinking more about the realization that I was taught to be submissive. I was also taught to be accommodating and at least outwardly agreeable. I was a peacemaker and learned to be a consummate diplomat. I was also a scapegoat. I was thinking today that God spared Isaac but not the ram in the thicket. Iím no Isaac. But then again, God didnít spare Christ, His Beloved Son, either, so what makes me think Heíll spare me? Mayhap the problem is that Iím thinking too much like an Israelite. They were looking for a Messiah to deliver them from the Romans. God sent Christ. They did not see Him for what He was because they were looking for something else. Christ offered delivery in the Eternal sense. So, perhaps the truth is that I need to stop looking for delivery in the physical sense and seek it in the Eternal sense... In truth, I need not seek it at all as God holds it out to me; all I need to do is accept His Gift.