19 June 2006 I truly enjoy having Monday off. MissB is struggling, and it tears at my heart. Biked 10 miles this morning, without difficulty.
20 June 2006 I’ve been a little worried of late because there has been a tightness in my chest. I check my pulse, and it is typically slow and strong. Today, I took a moment to look a little deeper. For only a moment, I allowed myself to realize that the feeling is actually familiar. If I allow myself, then tears begin to flow, but as soon as I stop, the tightness comes back. I’m truly trying to be brave for MissB, and she hates it when I cry. She’s had a hard time of it with her hindquarters. I thought it all because of her flying leap on Saturday. Today, by God’s inspiration, I brushed her hind legs, and she’s walking a little bit better, but still struggling. She ‘chased’ a cat again tonight. Bless her. I get the oddest feeling that she had a little stroke. If I let her drink from the hose from the right side, she keeps running into the end of the hose. But if I let her drink for the left side, she has no trouble. The right side is the back leg she uses the least. God bless her. She’s a determined soul.
21 June 2006 Read most of last night, so am barely awake today. LOL! Not sorry I did it. Didn’t try to bike ride but did do physical therapy. I actually slept only two hours. The book was The Perfect Rake by Anne Gracie. It touched a lot of chords in me. What must it be like to have a man want to protect you?
22 June 2006 Back to biking. I’ll need to up my physical therapy again, i.e., add two pound weights to another of my upper body exercises. MissB is improving. Bless her. My world is changing.
23 June 2006 While I was biking this morning, I was thinking about the question to myself of being protected. Then I remembered an event over ten years ago. I was invited to the wedding of some friends from high school. I knew my old ‘steady’ would be there, and I did not want to have to deal with him alone. I called one of the guys I knew from church and asked him to escort me. I knew he’d take it in a friendly manner, as he’d frequently confided in me about his dating. Looking back, I remember quite a few of the guys did; I was the big sister. I revealed all the details as to why, and all he said was “Tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.” He even asked about exactly what to wear. I felt safer for having his company. Eventually, we went our separate ways and last touch. Then a few years ago we met at church again (a different building). A woman I knew then discovered he and I had been friends for years and decided to tease me by asking him what secrets he knew about me. He looked at me and waited for me. I replied that he knew more about me than almost anyone. Her eyes lit up and she begged him to spill what he knew. Again, he looked at me. I replied, “He knows because I knew he wouldn’t share it.” So, I have had a taste of it, and it warms my heart still.
24 June 2006 My eating is completely out of control. At least I’m better about drinking my water.
25 June 2006 Storms are brewing. It looks like monsoon season is on its way, with predicted storms every evening. I know it also affects how I feel, but I think the weight issue is more about falling into my old habit of wanting to pad myself for protection. Try as I might to get past that thinking, I simply haven’t been able to figure out how.