3 July 2006 Today is the last day on my high-corn syrup diet (not that I started that intentionally). Weíll see how I do this coming week. Itís nice having a few days off. I biked this morning but not far. I mailed in my postcard stating my intention to attend the meeting at the end of July. Iím trying not to think too much about that.
4 July 2006 I did short bike rides yesterday and today. I needed the change of pace. Tomorrow, itís back to the routines. The weather is odd; overcast and then not and then overcast again. I watched The Italian Job for the first time last night and loved it! I got it for the mini coopers. LOL! I feel strangely like Iím settling again.
5 July 2006 Missed out on biking this morning, but not sadly so, as we finally got some much needed rain, and not a frog-strangling-gully-washer but a steady soaking. I can drive (had to drop off work) but I feel it in my hip and low back when I do. For Anti-procrastination Day, I started How to Hug a Porcupine.
6 July 2006 The Monsoon is definitely officially here, and it is hot and muggy. Iím just glad it will only last a few months. Weíve a flock (about a dozen) of peach-face lovebirds in the neighborhood. Itís interesting to watch them push out the grackles and the pidgins, even though theyíre less than half their size. My insides are rebelling and making life miserable, but I know it wonít last. Iím tired and frustrated but know it will improve.
7 July 2006 Itís quite odd. I started wearing my charm bracelet only last Saturday, and already I canít stand to not put it on after my workout. My wrist feels uncomfortable without it. How did that happen? And why? I biked 10 miles today and did an extra mile walk. I have three weeks before the TNT meeting. I want to see what I can do to get more in shape before then.
8 July 2006 Iíve been thinking about this feeling of having never been protected, and in chatting with a friend come to realize that it is about being safe. I know MissB tries to keep me safe, but there is now an underlying worry on my part for her. Iím endeavoring to be grateful for every moment with her. She is amazing. I felt safe in LA and FL. It has just occurred to me that I have started How to Hug a Porcupine, but after that first day, Iíve get to continue with it. There is a part of me that fears being told everything Iím doing wrong. I read a little in the middle and found myself berating myself for not doing better. This is not going to be an easy read. I suppose Iíd better plan on gritting my teeth and reading a little more today. Itís been a bit of an unsettling week, as Iíve found myself facing an unpleasant truth. In City Slickers, there was an amazing scene about bullies. Iíve since thought about bullies often. When I talk about it, I affirm my own loathing for such behavior and declare I wonít put up with it. The truth is, not only do I accept it, but Iím not unlike the dog that flips over on its back and piddles on itself hoping not to be hurt. Iíve been a bully, though not often, I hope, and the times Iím aware of, Iím ashamed of the behavior. Itís humiliating. Iíve worked hard to learn not to bully, and Iíve still got a lot to learn, but then Kevin is helping in that area, I think. Thank God for good psychiatrists. Thereís still so much to learn. I realize now that heís endeavoring to teach me to not become a bully myself and yet still stand my ground, with courage and peace. Thereís such a long way to go.
9 July 2006 What is it about a crystal fluted champagne glass that makes one feel elegant? Iím using one of mine for my juice in the morning, because I can. Iím using up things, especially in my food storage, instead of saving them for ďsomedayĒ or ďjust in case.Ē Itís nice to be able to see what I have and know itís what I really want. The juice is a use up. Iíll not be replacing it, but I couldnít bring myself to just throw it away. Not that Iím averse to such a practice; I have done it before. Iím trying to learn to not have to do it so often. So often Iíve gotten things I havenít used or didnít really want but it was at a good price, and I thought Iíd simply make do. Life is too short for making do. Iím realizing now that the Ďmaking doí was crowding out what I really wanted. Now, Iíve learned the lesson on the food scale, so to speak, now I have to apply it other aspects of my life. MissB woke me every two hours last night until six this morning when she finally let me sleep for four hours straight. Itís almost noon, and Iím barely awake.