17 July 2006 A friendís statement that you canít fill yourself with another person struck me, in a funny way and serious. I tried to imagine someone fitting inside me and realizing it would be a very awkward fit and where would *I* go and yet it is exactly what I tried to do with every single boyfriend and a lot of my girlfriends. I tried to be what I thought they wanted me to be. I conformed, changed, compromised until I hardly know myself. Now the thought of wanting someone else to fill me makes me shudder. I want to be my own person, with my own likes and dislikes. I want someone who wants me as a whole, warts and all, and likes me that way. I want someone who is different enough to expand my horizons in new and interesting directions, someone to SHARE my life with, not take it over. What I need to learn is to not hand my life over. I've been required, over and over and over again, to do just that. Now, I need to learn to take my life back, to be responsible for only me. Iím doing some serious thinking about this race in November. Iím not certain I can actually do this. If I had more time to prepare, but the summer heat has cut drastically into my workouts.
18 July 2006 Four months to Tour de Tucson, and I am seriously questioning the wisdom of pursuing this particular path. If my training were on track, I think I could do it, but with the heat, Iíve had to put everything on hold. It is all I can do to just pick up work from DrS and do my PT and walk MissB. I only bike nine miles. A long bike ride is 12 miles and only gets done once a week, or maybe even only every other week. It is simply too hot. Heat exhaustion sets in so quickly and so easily and takes me so long to overcome.
19 July 2006 Iím struggling with the decision before me. I canít drive because I feel it in my hip within five minutes and then have low back pain for the next two days (discovered this when I had to drive to pick up my work when it rained a bit ago. I can handle running errands with my sister and my dad, though I feel it a bit later, but not uncomfortably so, but that is really just a short time in the car. Tucson is a two-hour drive.
20 July 2006 MissB has an open sore on her side; this is not good. I pray God will help me let her go and help her know itís all right. There may be a little time yet, so Iíll endeavor to continue to be cheerful and brave for her. Sheís is amazing. I was able to put in 12 miles on my bike today. God blessed me, keeping the rain in other areas than where I was biking! LOL! We had a lovely rain, no lightening, no thunder, no wind, just steady rain. It felt like a little bit of heaven. I want to live in this moment. I need to live in THIS moment. Time is too precious to wish it away. I prepared a little comfrey for MissBís sore. Iíll keep and eye on it and see how she does. Hmmm... I just checked her side again and the wound seems to be a bit smaller now than it was this morning. Comfrey is amazing. I thought at first it looked like the cancer my brotherís dog had, but I also just remembered that the other day MissB ďfellĒ against my bike pedal. Iím careful to keep it close to the ramp when I put it away, but Dad doesnít notice such things so itís at that height... Itís possible.
21 July 2006 I have to laugh at myself. I remember when the push started for having at least five servings of fruits and vegetables every day. Days could pass without me having even one. With my ďnewĒ fruit/veggie bowl, Iíve been successfully getting five servings every day for almost a week. I know, such an incredibly long time, but long times start with a few days. :-D Today, I cut up the fresh pineapple I found at Samís Club last Tuesday. Wonder of wonders! Iíll be getting seven, yes SEVEN servings of fruits and veggies today. I donít think thatís ever happened before in my whole life.
22 July 2006 Frustration seems to be the order of the day today. My back is sore and my hip twinges terribly. I think itís only from sleeping on my back. Thereís a little pillow that I tuck behind me, but Iíve discovered that in my sleep I move away from it, even though Iím already sleeping inches from the edge of the bed. I slept on my back most of the time before my severe back trouble started. Now that Iím doing better, Iím slipping into my old habit. Itís a mistake, but I canít seem to correct it. How do you break a habit you slip into in your sleep?
23 July 2006 Iíve been doing some reviewing of the past year. I needed a clearer view of my physical capabilities. The first time I did an 18-mile bike ride was the middle of October. The last time I did a 20-mile ride was 16 May. I did not anticipate the summer heat taking such a toll on me. Itís difficult for me to even do a 12-mile bike ride. I do one once a week and each time have found myself with a dull headache for several days following. I know I canít do the century ride; my body simply isnít up to it. A little voice inside my head tells me that Iím quitting and yet a part of me whispers that I simply have to re-evaluate my goals. Iíve had to re-evaluate every goal Iíve ever made, so why should this one be any different? But somehow, it feels different.