24 July 2006 Today, I sent out an email informing my friends who knew of my plans to do the 100-mile race that I would be scrapping the plans for this year. I do have other plans in mind and I shared those as well. We'll see what happens. 25 July 2006 Iím endeavoring to bike 10 miles every day at this point. Iíll kick it up to 11 next week or the week after. Itís going to have to be slow and easy. Iíve come to a number of realizations that all come down to feeling safe. Iíll be able to drop the weight when I feel safe. But I have no idea how to convince my subconscious that I am safe. Iíve succeeded only a few times in my life. I can tell myself I am, but the subconscious is not so easily convinced.
26 July 2006 Some days are simply chock-full of way too much adventure. Last night, storms blew into the Valley. From 9-10pm, the Valley experienced over 2000 lightening strikes. I had my PC turned off and unplugged before it got exciting. We lost power for less than 10 minutes and then again for less than 5 minutes. I worry since I have nowhere to go if the power goes out for an extended period; MissB canít get in a car anymore and she certainly couldnít handle the A/C being off for very long. We were very blessed. It was still raining heavily at 2:45am when I took MissB outside. I didnít bike this morning because it was still wet and there was debris everywhere! What a surprise to try and look out my window and not be able to see for the water sitting on the pane. When did we move to Florida? The rain was greatly needed. Then I thought Iíd be able to get my work done by noon. I tried to open the document with all the addresses for the doctors records are sent to, and Word refused to respond! ACK! Eíd my sister, and she agreed that the file was corrupt and I had to get rid of it. So, I trashed it and emptied the trash and restarted the computer (it took an hour for me to figure out the file was corrupt), then I went through all my address autocorrects to find the ones I had there. What a pain. But itís done now. And now I have two copies of that document and my doctorsí faxes document. Despite the ďbubbleĒ in the day, Iíve been eating pretty well. God has an interesting sense of humor.
27 July 2006 I rode out this morning on my bike one mile, saw lightening in the east, and turned for home. Iím too slow on the bike if the storm moved my way. My dad and I had to run errands anyway. The lightening never came this far, but it did rain. I picked up another doctor, as of 8 August. Weíll see how it goes. MissB is struggling so, and I pray for her sweet release without the help of the vet. I would be ever so grateful.
28 July 2006 Got a 10-mile ride in today. It felt good. Walking MissB this morning, first thing, there was a lovely cool breeze. Is this summer? MissB is such a valiant little soul. What will stay with me? She has taught me to take each moment and enjoy the little things. She has taught me that anger serves no one. She has taught me to take better care of myself. She has taught me of warmth, softness, gentleness, sweetness, unconditional acceptance, the joy in small simple things, the value of keeping going no matter what, forgiveness,... It used to be that when I got angry with her or she was angry with me (her doing something I didnít want her to and me going some place) to show each other everything was all right we would play tug-o-war. She taught me that. I remember my surprise and realization that when she brought me her tug-a-bone, it was her way of letting me know we were all right again. I learned to do the same thing, to let her know everything was okay between us. Sometimes, when I donít feel like working, I remind myself that I have to be able to pay for dog food. How many times did I want to curl into a ball and forget the world, but MissB needed to go for walk, every day?
29 July 2006 Today, I attended the TNT meeting, with my sister. Iím glad I went, and am seriously thinking about participating next year. Hopefully, Iíll be better in shape. Iíve so much body clutter to get rid of first. The program is far more intense than I realized. Iíll need time to prepare for that too.
30 July 2006 In Ellis Peterís Brother Cadfael novel AN EXCELLENT MYSTERY, the author describes a state of being that quite caught me by surprise. ďHe had lived so long with one particular grief that it had settled amicably into his being, a welcome and kindly guest.Ē Never had I considered the possibility that grief could be a welcome and kindly guest. Could not my present situation be viewed in the same light? The grief of losing my beloved companion of 17 years is now in truth a welcome and kindly guest. It is painful to watch my little one struggle from day to day, yet valiant to a fault. Her parting has become a devout wish for her sake. It would be welcome if not happily then gratefully. And it would be kind indeed. Such a grief is not frightening or repugnant. And as such a guest, it would not stay on but depart in due time, though surely to visit again at another such time, though I know not when since I am forbidden another pet as long as I live in my parentís house. But I will not reside here indefinitely, and then Iíll once again risk my heart to Godís angels, for that is what MissB has been to me.