7 August 2006 Biked 10 miles today. Life took a sharp turn. A dear friendís mother-in-law passed away unexpectedly. What a small world it has become that events across the country so sharply affect my own life, and I would have it no other way. May God bless them.
8 August 2006 It was pleasantly cloudy this morning, so I took myself for a 12-mile bike ride. It felt good.
9 August 2006 Took MissB for her walk first thing and saw lightening in the western skies, so turned for home and got the keys to my folksí car. Driving is still difficult for me. My temper is short and Iím exhausted as it seems MissB has turned her days and nights around.
10 August 2006 MissB woke me at 12:30, 1:30, and 2:30 am. THAT time of the month started a day early, so Iím in a fine mood, though itís actually much better today than yesterday as I got in a 10-mile ride. Iím also settling in with my newest client. It looks like itís going to work out. YAY!
11 August 2006 PBS played Wayne Dyerís latest program on Inspiration. It was certainly what I needed at the time. He talked about the importance of accepting self and living In Spirit with God. We are His creation, and it is an insult to disparage His loving work. He quotes A. Laslow that in order for a person to change one must first change their awareness of themselves. I need to throw the negative Ďtapesí away. Iím very good and looking outside and seeing what needs to change and working to change it. Iím no good at all at looking on the inside and changing what is there. Having said that, I also realize that what is essentially on the inside is very good. I can remember friends telling me that I was soft hearted and yet... yes, and yet, there was an implacable core of steel. It was that core of steel that ensured my survival. And yet, I think now as I contemplate it without the edge of anger that used to be a part of almost every waking moment (also a survival skill), I think it is perhaps, in truth, faith. Faith that somehow God and I will work it all through. Now, my struggle is allow that core to blend softly with my heart. It is difficult to allow oneself to be soft hearted when one is surrounded by bullies, and yet surely it is possible. God does not ask the impossible of us; difficult yes, but not impossible. All my life I have focused on changing what was outside me because I believed that what was inside was evil and already lost but somehow I might redeem it if I could change the outside. I know where I learned that, and it saddens me. It wasnít what God intended. My parents could have made different choices; they did not. Now, I must choose to make different choices. I will. I was forced to focus on the outside influences and ignore the heart, weak and misguided I was taught it was. Now, I know better. I must first change the heart, and then the outside will change as a matter of course. I have struggled for so many years to learn to understand the Atonement, and that is what it is; the opportunity for a change of heart. So, where do I begin? What do I know? I know God loves me and I must trust Him, however, trust is a tricky issue between me and God. How He endeavors to teach me to trust Him, and how I struggle to learn, but the first lessons learned always come to the fore first. Not unlike the science conference where the presenter explained that the trouble with learning is that if we are taught a lie first, then we must always dismiss the lie first, before we can get to the truth. Those attending criticized his theory. These were scientist who had actually studied rocks brought back from the moon. Chemists, physicists, brilliant minds. The man asked, ďWhat is the moon made of?Ē The room was silent, then people started to laugh. They all laughed, knowing that the collective thought was: Green Cheese. Unfortunately, I have so many lies I must get past. My sister taught me I was worth sacrificing for, worth saving. MissB has taught me about love and compassion on a daily, hourly, moment by moment basis. She also taught me about unconditional acceptance and what it is like to be the center of someoneís world. It is a great responsibility, not to be taken lightly, and Iím grateful I was so blessed. Last night, I assured her that when she goes Home, weíll not be separated. Love knows no bounds. She will always be a part of me, no matter what. She only woke me once last night. So, Iíve come to realize that there is an adventure waiting for me to begin, but it isnít what I thought it would be. God created all things spiritually first, then physically. I must start with changing my spirit. I want to learn forgiveness and trust, and wisdom and courage. If I change the inside, the outside must reflect that change, for the spirit is stronger; it was created first. So, today is the first day I start to learn to turn off the Ďtapesí and then Iíll learn how to throw them away. Rumi said, ďThe morning breeze has secrets to tell you, do not go back to sleep.Ē
12 August 2006 Someday, God and I are going to have a very long talk about His sense of timing. I would have liked a little time to settle myself with my new observations; however, God had other plans. It seems that He believes that now Iíve grasped the concept Heís been endeavoring to teach me since forever, itís time to jump right in. Sort of like ĎHey! You figured it out, now letís get started.í I received the notice that my medical disability did not fit the required guidelines to dismiss me from jury duty. Iíll make sure I take ibuprofen before I go, and my pillows, though they donít actually make a difference in a regular chair, but Iíll take them anyway. Iíll also pray they let me go as soon as they realize that I wonít be able to concentrate for more than 15 minutes, if that long. Iíve learned to adapt so well at home that I donít realize how it would Ďtranslateí in the real world. I take twice as long to do my work because I never actually sit still for more than 10 minutes. Then last night, MissB did not do well. I knew something was wrong when she went outside four times in less than an hour and the last time it was pouring rain and she just stood in it. My child does not like to get wet. My temper flared; I felt so helpless. Then when she got up in the middle of the night, she was staggering, and fell in the hall, not far and not hard, but I stayed up with her for the next two hours begging her to let go and go Home. It is something she will have to do alone, and being alone was always a punishment. How do I let her know that death is not a punishment but ďthe end for which the first was madeĒ? How acutely aware I became of the thinness of the veil of death, as I realized that she is only a heartbeat, a breath away from eternal peace. Sheís with me this morning as if nothing happened last night. I berated myself a little, but my new perspective kept asserting itself. Jury duty had seemed like such a frightening prospect, now, Iíll take care of it when I get there. On a different train of thought, I have wondered of late if I truly was expected to be a mind reader, by my mother, or did I just not understand what she was asking. No, I truly was expected to read her mind. She came out of the shower while I was getting water for MissB in the kitchen (she has laryngitis so isnít talking at all). She held out what looked like a pink soapbox, the kind for traveling, and shook it at me, from the opposite side of the room. I raised my brows and said, ďWhat?Ē She shook the box at me again. ďWhat?Ē My father stepped in and told her heíd put it with their travel things. I actually had a fair idea of what she was wordlessly asking me, but decided it wasnít my responsibility to convey her thoughts. The incident reminded me of a saying from the 60s. ďWe the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much for so long with so little that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.Ē Iím tired beyond words, but am endeavoring not to beat myself up over my shortcomings and weaknesses. I truly am striving to do better, and God asks no more than that. I found the quote several places but liked Larry Wallís talk so bookmarked it: http://www.perl.com/pub/a/2003/07/16/soto2003.html
My baby has finally gone home. Painful to loose her companionship and yet I rejoice in her freedom from the pain she has endured all these years. She has been so brave and sweet, no matter what. How Iíll miss her. Tonight, Iíll sleep knowing she is finally safe, in Godís arms.
13 August 2006 Oh, to have been woken in the middle of the night by MissB. My sister, Ruth, suggested she take me out today, and my first response was ďI donít want to leave MissB alone.Ē And then I realized... How my life will change, and yet it is only for the better because of her. Richard L. Evans said, ďAmong the greatest blessings in life is to be safe with someone--someone without evil intent, someone who wouldnít violate a trust, who wouldnít take advantage of innocence or ignorance; someone who isnít planning in his heart to compromise principles.... We may have all else in life, but if we canít count on character, on integrity, if we havenít the sense of being safe, we have little that matters very much.Ē I always felt safe with MissB. We traveled to Yellowstone, twice, and numerous times to Utah, just the two of us, but I was never afraid because she was with me. The dark wasnít lonely because she was there. She taught me about total trust and compassion. She was, in fact, the greatest mentor Iíve ever had. She was all that was good and right and funny how her imperfections werenít a flaw but simply were. I could accept them in her, when I could not accept them in myself, but it taught me to accept them in myself. MissB couldnít leave until I knew how to protect myself, and realizing that I must stop listening to the Ďtapeí in my head is the greatest protection I could have. Turn away from them will open the way for me to fully to turn God and hear Him more clearly. How I miss her and how grateful I am I had her for so long. And how truly grateful I am for my wonderfully supportive and loving friends. I could not endure this without them. God bless them, every one.