4 September 2006 Ruth and I walked three miles this morning, then worked on callanetics, then had breakfast at IHOP. It was enjoyable. I even decided to splurge and have a couple of eggs. Oooooooo how I miss eggs. They were sooooooo good! And I donít think I had any trouble with them. Woohoo!!
5 September 2006 I biked 15 miles today. No walk and easy on the physical therapy. This will be come a 23-mile day, hopefully next week. The folks are going out of town, so Iíll have to get my work and now is as good a time as any to start back into the routine. Itís cooling off at night, so itís pleasant in the morning, though it warms up quickly enough. Next week will be the first time Iím home completely alone in, I think, 19 years. Before MissB there was Rap to keep me company. Iím a little nervous, I admit.
6 September 2006 Biked 15 miles again today, but a slightly different route; Iím getting used to my work route again. I also did a 2-mile walk and physical therapy with the one-pound weights. There really is no denying it: Iím an athlete; Iím just out of practice.
7 September 2006 It was sprinkling this morning, so no bike ride; however, I did work through the entire callanetics tape, not that I did all of it, but I did more of it than I ever have before. A bit of walking hasnít hurt either, though itís been more the type of walking from one place to another and going up and down the stairs. So, today is an easy day. I need those once in a while, and sometimes forget to take them. I figure rainy days are Godís way of making me take a break.
8 September 2006 I put in a 19-mile ride this morning. I think I can go back to cycling to pick up work from DrR next Tuesday. I miss MissB. I found myself chatting on the phone and turning in my chair from my desk to pet her behind me, but of course she isnít there.
9 September 2006 Ruth and I made it 3-1/2 miles this morning so weíll make the 5K just fine. We also did the callanetics tape and did pretty well with that too. I got tapes from my lawyer; it is now 10:15pm, and I just finished work. Oops, I just realized Iíve not yet brought in my laundry. Iíll pull it in then head toward bed.
10 September 2006 My brother-in-law pulled me aside at dinner tonight. He wanted to tell me how proud of me he was. He has noticed the changes Iíve made since MissB passed away, and he thinks Iím doing a good job. I smiled and told him that I finally realized that I needed to take care of myself as well as I took care of her. I was able to admit that Iíd felt like Iíd been on a death watch for two years. I donít regret a moment, except when I wish I had been more patient and more affection. But now that I no longer need to protect her, I can concentrate on protecting me. My sister and I both found ourselves fighting back tears as I showed her the donations toward our walk. My world is changing, in so many good ways. It has occurred to me that the change in me is something far different than I first thought. During the 17 years MissB and I shared our lives, I kept hoping she would just go in her sleep because I did not want to take her to the vet and make that final decision. A part of me didnít believe I was able to make that decision. A part of me feared I would force her to suffer rather than make that decision. I prayed and prayed I would not have to make that decision. Now I realize I was holding out; holding back. God, in all His tender mercy, gently prepared me. When dear Howard (Ruth and Royís dog) had to be put down earlier this year, Roy told me about how nice the office was and how they took care of the cremation. At first, I didnít want to hear it, but a part of me heard and listened. It took a while, but I was finally able to approach Roy and ask him about it. I was even finally able to ask him to help me when the time came. He agreed immediately. I pushed it to the back of my mind. I also feared that in my great need to keep MissB with me I would not hear her ask to go Home. It was so different from Pawn. I asked Pawn if he was ready and the answer was so clear. It couldnít have been more clear if he had spoken the words aloud. And when he slipped from this world to the next, there was such an immense feeling of relief and utter joy. He was so ready to go Home. MissB never really was ready to go, but her body simply could not continue any longer. As I felt her breathe her last, there was no feeling of joy as there had been with Pawn. There was the same feeling of intense relief but no joy; however, there was a deep sense of gratitude. Somewhere inside me, I found the courage to give her the last gift I could give. This gift was particularly difficult because it was a gift I could not carryout myself. Others had to see it through, but only I could set it in motion. For the first time in my life I found myself needing to trust totally and completely; something Iíve never done before, not like this. I had to release every fear and doubt and trust God to help me. It meant I had to trust Roy and then I had to trust the entire vet staff, but it all came down to trusting that God would place in my life every needful thing. He did. For the first time in my life, I do not need anyone elseís approval. This is the real difference: For the first time in my life, I donít need someone to tell me Iím worthy of Godís love and inspiration; I know I am because He gave it to me on a Saturday afternoon. He required me to entrust Him with my most precious gift from Him, and I did. I finally stopped holding back. The approval I once sought is no longer needed or even important in any way. God has blessed me with wonderful friends and just enough family to keep me from completely abandoning hope in that aspect of my life. I have been blessed by God, not because I am worthy or because Iíve done everything Iím supposed to do or because Iím a spiritual giant or because Iím doing my best or any other reason except one: He loves me, the same reason He gave me MissB in the first place.