18 September 2006 I’ve kept some of MissB’s favorite things and have decided that when I get another dog, someday, I will pass them along to the new dog, a way of weaving my ‘children’ together.19 September 2006 Cycled 22 miles today, without much difficulty. It was odd starting out this morning as it was a bit chilly!
20 September 2006 It’s almost 2am, and I just barely finished work... no, I didn’t finish, but what is left can wait until tomorrow. I wish I could concentrate better.
21 September 2006 Another 22 miles today. The weather is so beautiful. Wow! It’s 10pm, and I’m not finished but what is left can wait until tomorrow. When will I catch up with myself again?
22 September 2006 Happy Birthday Frodo and Bilbo! Today, I started my 1000 Quest, with 14 miles. I thought about announcing it, but find myself reluctant to do so, not because I’m afraid of failing but more because this is between me and the past and me and my future. I’m endeavoring to learn to be healthy. This is a new concept, and I’m struggling with it sometimes. When I’m walking, I have to remember to change my old mantra, which was ‘walk like you’re skinny.’ Now, I chant, ‘walk like you’re healthy.’ I’m always surprised by the difference. I truly do walk differently with the two different thoughts and vastly different from the way I walk when I think in terms of being fat. Yahoo posted the cutest picture by danncer of their newest family member. They’d just come home, and after a brief exploration: http://flickr.com/photo_zoom.gne?id=151156167&size=l
23 September 2006 What a day! I walked with my sister in the morning and then did callanetics, after a brief stop at a place called Woodsource. Ruth is taking woodshop at ASU. We then came back to the house for breakfast with the folks. Then I did a load of laundry and got ready to go to lunch with a friend of mine. It was quite pleasant. Then it was home again to read and wait for my sister. We stopped at Woodsource again and then went to Sam’s Club, where I found a huge fluffy stuffed animal that looks a bit like a golden retriever, sort of. LOL! I couldn’t resist, and have named it ‘Honey.’ Though it is soft and quite warm, it isn’t real and I find myself regretting the purchase. As cute as it is, there is no light in the eyes, no interaction, no shared breaths.... I’d forgotten how precious shared breaths were. It shows a deep trust on both our parts. My sister and I then went to get our hair trim, and she made an astute observation. One I knew, but had pushed away. With MissB gone, the stress I feel is building with no release. You’d think that all the exercise would help, but it doesn’t make any difference at all in that part of my life.
24 September 2006 I woke with a migraine this morning. My digestion is rebelling worse than I can remember in I don’t know how long. Mary, blessedly, reminded me that Honey is not a substitute for my next dog, but simply a stopgap of sorts, until I adopt my next fuzzy companion. The migraine has mostly passed, now, but for that odd fragile feeling I always get afterward. I’m reading my porcupine book and searching my own behavior for porcupine behavior. Then remember what Kevin said in our last session. I had mentioned that I was struggling with reading the book because I was afraid of finding out how much of a porcupine I myself am. When Kevin replied I got the impression that it was under his breath but meant for me to hear that he thought I was definitely not a porcupine and... Do I remember the words correctly? That he thought I was one of the least prickly people he’d ever met. I must stop reacting to my parents and hoping for a change in them. I need and want to learn to be healthy, separate and independent of my parents and my brother. I cannot change them, but I can and will change me. I will learn to be healthy and in so doing will find the happiness I seek. This will mean questioning what I’ve learned over the years and perhaps throwing some things out and taking other things and building on them. I can do this, and I will. No one will be allowed to push me, not even me. I would never dream of trying to force a flower to bloom. When MissB was a puppy, I did not try and force her to grow faster. So why do I try to hurry myself along? It isn’t going to be easy, but I’m not afraid of hard work. I need to be patient with myself and learn at a healthy pace, instead of trying to rush headlong without really seeing where I’m going. I’ve done that all my life, trying to rush along... actually, I wasn’t rushing headlong but fleeing; however, either way I wasn’t looking where I was going. I thought I was, but then the picture wasn’t exactly clear with all the distortion I’ve lived with all my life. Now, I first need to learn what is healthy. What would a healthy person do, say, think? Then lovingly, I need to teach myself to become the person I’ve always dreamed of being. I’ve managed to make some good choices in my life, despite what I grew up with, but I know the truths I learned and incorporated were God given gifts. He has more in store for me, and I’m willing to trust Him to lead me along, as He always has. He’s waited so patiently, for so long, for me to reach this point. We’ll take one day at a time, and see where this adventure takes me.