9 October 2006 170 miles. Iím still feeling tired, but it will pass. I got to take it easy today since the offices are closed due to the holiday, Columbus Day. I found it a nice surprise yesterday when a woman approached my sister and me for information. We were in the middle of the hubbub and they could have asked a lot of people for directions before they got to us. It occurred to me that it happens to me a lot, and I realized that there is a quiet feeling of satisfaction that strangers see me as someone they can ask for help.
10 October 2006 193 miles. It feels good to be doing the long rides again. Itís a whole lot easier than it was last spring. Guess Iím really getting into better shape. Itís a three-hour round trip venture.
11 October 2006 206 miles. Itís really starting to cool off. I actually need a mile or two to warm up in the morning! Iíve speculated of late that the reason Iíve never had anything requiring surgery happen (except a tonsillectomy of course, though that was a three for one deal) is because of my lack of response to anesthesia. I was thinking it was to spare me, even though a part of me told me that wasnít that big a deal. Then it dawned on me how awful it would be for a surgeon to realize his patient wasnít completely under. Iíll never forget the look on the PAís face when I told him how much I remembered of my epidural injection. It was then he told me that surgeon was definitely a last resort, in my case.
12 October 2006 228 miles. Dr.R brought is poodle to work today. Usually, Toni comes on Wed. I couldnít resist petting her. Two months, and all I want to do is howl.
13 October 2006 241 miles. As Toni wiggled and jumped with excitement, all I could think was that dogs have an unmatched capacity for joy. It is as though Godís joy so abounds in them that they physically express it, unable to hold it in. Then I think of MissB and how she would approach me for attention, scritching behind her hear, rubbing the side of her face, scratching the itchy pots, and I remember feeling as if her touch was like a caress from God. She was the living, breathing, flesh and blood embodiment of Godís love for me, me. She didnít care what I looked like, what I did. She didnít care if I made mistakes and instantly forgave me when I hurt her. She was living proof, every moment of every day, of Godís infinite love for me... God couldnít be here in person, so He sent her.
14 October 2006 Iím tired. We had some lovely rain this morning. Iím glad to be getting into writing again.
15 October 2006 Iíve been thinking about dreams of late, and what mine are and what I am doing to accomplish them. Iíve had a bone to pick with God for a very long time. All I ever wanted, growing up, was to be a best friend, wife, lover and mother to the right man, in that order. It ainít happeniní. Iíve struggled with this over the years, angry, frustrated, hopeless, sad, disappointed, and a myriad of other emotions. Iíve wondered more times than I can possibly remember why God has withheld the greatest desire of my heart? Some part of me wondered if I were being punished for the error of my ways, and another part of me would wonder if I simply fell short, or if this was a gift to be withheld until I was proven worthy. As Iíve read my porcupine book, it has suddenly dawned on me that there is no one to blame but myself. God is following my directive. Me! I decided! I never wanted to marry just anyone simply for the sake of being married. I always held to the stipulation that I wanted a marriage in which we would both benefit and would lift us both. I am able to look at my requirements, carefully and repeatedly laid at Godís throne, through new eyes. Over and over and over, I begged for a HEALTHY marriage, and God is patiently endeavoring to grant me that by getting me healthy! Hoist by my own petard, wouldnít you know. I find I have to laugh. Be careful what you pray for, you may get it. And yet I can not be angry or disappointed anymore just as I canít be angry at my loss of dear MissB. I had her for so much longer than I had a right to expect or even dream. Everything was as perfect as it possibly could be. How do you rail at Godís perfection? I certainly cannot. But I do miss her terribly, and feel no shame or guilt in that and ever feel Godís loving and tender touch on my heart. I am never alone, never. And I am ever aware of His nearness, just a breath, a heartbeat away. I do not know why He keeps me here, but it is for Him I endeavor to move forward. Gandalf spoke wisely when he said ď...not all tears are an evil.Ē In fact, I find them blessed.