23 October 2006 340 miles. For me, I do not feel my long talks with God are a bother to Him. After all, He has unlimited time and energy. I've shocked a good number of people with the casual information that I have argued with God, yelled at God, and even called Him names. Since He is all powerful and all knowing, I can't understand why I should guard my tongue; it isn't as if He doesn't know how angry I am. I figure if I share it with Him, then Heíll have an easier time working with me on overcoming it because it's all out on the table. If I try to hide it, it doesn't hide it from Him, only from me. He canít make the changes only I can. But I canít make the changes if Iím not willing to address them, especially if I'm too busy trying to keep it buried rather than taking care of it. Some people wonder at how I learned healthy behaviors with the family I grew up in; I learned them from God. He has been my greatest teacher all my life. I knew it was: turn to Him or die. I can remember when I was younger, feeling abandoned by God, but I can look back now and see that it was not God who turned His back on me but me who turned my back on Him. I didn't want to share with Him the ugliness. The only way to have a relationship with Him is to share everything; He'll settle for nothing less. In order to withhold from Him, one must turn away. I've finally stopped turning away, not even when I sin. Then I offer my dirty hands knowing only He is able clean them and knowing it is what He wants to do. I remember cleaning MissB's dirty paws when she walked in the mud even though she knew she shouldn't. I know God does not love me less, but in fact loves me the more because for knowing I want to do right but fall short but am willing to confess it to Him. I know His gentle touch; the peace only He can give. He knows my heart and knows the sorrow there, and knows I cannot do better if He does not lovingly and patiently teach me. And so I endeavor to submit my will to His, not to put me in my place, but to raise me to His.
24 October 2006 342 miles. Storms have blown up from the south. I managed to bike a mile before it started sprinkling, so I headed for home. Iím glad I planned for unexpected events.
25 October 2006 353 miles. I actually managed to get my work done in a timely manner today. What a relief.
26 October 2006 375 miles. Wow! I cut ten minutes off my time this morning!
27 October 2006 381 miles. Iím having a terrible time concentrating. I didnít finish Dr.R yesterday, nor today, and didnít even start Dr.G today. I did manage to get Dr.S done eventually.
28 October 2006 I could have finished Dr.G early in the day, but didnít. I enjoyed watching HP PoA on network tv. HP is just magical, in so many ways.
29 October 2006 Iím tired and fighting a nasty headache. God help me. Dr.S will be gone for the next week, but my other doctors will not be gone, so there will still be work to do, and I find myself trying to remember the last time I had more than a few days off at a stretch. All I can remember is the summer before Pawn passed away. I had a week off and went to visit Mom and Dad Fry (Janetís parents). MissB went with me and Janet and Andrew. I enjoyed so much time just sitting looking over the beauty of Pine Valley. It was so peaceful. Dear God, I miss it. I remember one particular day sitting outside on the soft grass, writing, with MissB lying beside me. I remember feeling like it was a perfect day. Then again, I didnít entirely trust it either, as I felt certain it was the calm before the storm. And it was. I had left Pawn in the care of one of the neighbors, who knew a bit about chiropractic work with horses. With Pawnís bad back, I had paid extra so she would work him every day. I didnít, however, know that there was a feud between the owner of the place I kept my horse and my babysitter. Not until I returned home and was handed a letter to remove my horse by the end of the month. It worked out for the best as the new place was exactly what Pawn wanted and needed. He spent the last 11 months of his life in near bliss, an open pasture with mares. He may have been a gelding, but try and tell him that! It was absolutely idyllic, and I thank God for it. Only a month and a half after I moved him, I was laid off. I found work with a transcribing company, but only stuck with it so I could pay the bills. It wasnít the job they said it would be, though I suppose I really shouldnít complain. The work never came as early as it was supposed to, so I took myself to see Fellowship of the Rings several mornings a week. I justified the cost (only $5) by saying I would have spent that much if I ate out. LOL! I remember on especially cold mornings, I would go out extra early and blanket Pawn. It still has the power to make me laugh to myself, to remember him hurrying up to me when I was carrying his blanket. I never had to call for him those mornings. He would obligingly duck his head to help me put on his blanket. Dear God, please tell them I miss them.