30 October 2006 390 miles. Iíve made it back to Rivendell, in time for Bilboís 129th birthday. My reward for reaching this milestone is the newest Josh Groban CD and two more books by Elizabeth Rolls.
31 October 2006 415 miles. Wow. Have I really gone that far in just over a month?
1 November 2006 I decided to take a break from biking, as I am ahead of schedule, and Iím still not sleeping well. Iím going to take a writing day.
2 November 2006 438 miles Iím seeing Kevin this evening and am terribly nervous. There are things he needs to know that I havenít told him.
3 November 2006 447 miles I gave Kevin permission to ďpushĒ and he did. Will my stomach ever settle again? It really was a great session. I feel like we made quite a bit of progress, even if I was curled in a ball for most of it. Ruth and I went to Dennyís afterward for hot chocolate and the man in charge was hysterical. He really was fun. Iíd like to do that again. Yep, I also showed Kevin just how well I can run the avoidance pattern and that Iím aware I do it. I was also able to bring myself back on task. Heís asked several things of me. It was interesting being able to admit to him that my anxiety level was escalating and have him ease up.
4 November 2006 What an incredibly gorgeous day. When I went for my walk I noticed someone down at ASU that looked a lot like my sister. I decided to follow her, just in case. It was, and we had a great chat. Exactly what I needed. Kevin has asked me to start having field trips and to start asking for what I want not what is expected and to defend my own personal boundaries and beliefs in myself. I had no idea how much this prospect would frighten me. Iím very good at defending my boundaries within certain parameters, but I realize now that those parameters are so incredibly small. He wants me to expand them significantly, and it frightens me to death. Ruth told me it would be okay if I didnít follow through yet, and I told her I couldnít NOT follow through. Kevin had asked me to do my homework, so I HAVE to do my homework, no matter what. I have no idea what the ramifications will be, but the prospect terrifies me beyond words.
5 November 2006 I followed through on my first homework assignment. Iím excited and proud of myself for doing it, and so scared Iím shaking from head to foot and my breathing and heart rate have both accelerated to an alarming rate. But I did it. For the first time since MissB passed away, I am dressed in my Sunday clothes all the way to jewelry. Iím ďrunning away from homeĒ today. I was supposed to have an appointment this afternoon, but I cancelled it, just as Kevin instructed me by leaving a message for the person on their voice mail that I didnít need the appointment and a small plate of cookies would be appreciated instead. How odd or interesting to realize that I fully expect my wishes to be ignored and overridden. So, Iím taking myself off for the afternoon. Itís cool enough now that I can go for a walk, which I will do. Iíve been wanting to visit St. Maryís, the Catholic church that is located near ASU. Itís a beautiful old church. Every time I see it, I think of my time in London and spending Friday lunchtimes at St. Paulís where they had a guest organist every Friday. It was truly amazing. I loved doing that. Iím taking my cellphone so Margo can call me as usual, since I wonít be home yet. Iím also taking a notebook with paper so I can do some writing, even if I canít be at my computer. I need to look into getting a laptop that I can use for writing, so it wonít have to be very expensive. Iíve seen them for as little at $400. Kevin wants me to start having ďadventuresĒ and today is as good a day as any to start. It is now several hours later, and itís interesting to realize that I was right. My wishes were ignored; good thing I was out of the house. When I realized, I turned right around and walked out. I walked to Ruth and Royís and had a lovely evening there. Iím very glad I did it.