3 April 2007 545 miles. Iíve been struggling with my eating habits and am beginning to remember some of the reasons why itís such an issue with me. I remember eating dog food because I was hungry and my mother had me on the BRAT diet for a year. I remember her feeding me things that made me sick, but she thought I was being finicky. I remember, in high school, drinking a lot of milk because it took the edge off hunger. I remember snitching French fries from my friends at lunch time because I didnít have anything. I could have made a sandwich, but I would have had to use whole wheat bread. Going hungry was better. I remember one of my friends occasionally buying French fries for me. I stopped snitching fries. I was embarrassed. I remember stealing saltine crackers to settle my stomach when I was little, but I had to make sure I wasnít caught or Iíd be in trouble. Ruth and I have talked about remembering food spoil and Mom throwing it away; we werenít allowed to eat it without her permission, and the girls werenít given permission. I remember eating over at a friendís house and frantically trying to figure out how I could snitch her crusts and wanting to weep when her mother threw them away. I remember hoping and praying for invitations to my friendsí homes to eat, in the hopes Iíd have a better chance of having something to eat. I remember the parents of my friends only inviting me on nights when they had something like stuffed Brussels sprouts; I didnít care for it, but I could eat it. Comfort foods are milk, saltines, chocolate (I would use my allowance to buy candy), chocolate cake in milk, French fries and white bread. I can also remember a time when I was so desperate to lose weight I was only eating every other day. Iím doing better.
4 April 2007 553 miles. Mary helped me with my perspective on my exercise, how Iíve dropped from doing nine miles to eight miles on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. She says that we were taught that we would get extra credit for doing more, but then we never were. So now Iím trying to accept that Iím truly doing a lot, AND itís enough. I had told Kevin I missed MissB because I missed being the center of her universe. He understood that. I didnít tell him that I miss being able to touch another warm, living, breathing soul and know itís perfectly safe.
5 April 2007 576 miles. Diane lists getting enough sleep as her first tip for helping your muse. Iíve been giving it a try, and I definitely feel a difference, but I hate having my dreams come back.
6 April 2007 586 miles. Happy Birthday MissB.
7 April 2007 Mom has been home ďsickĒ since Wednesday, which means no home alone days since last Monday. See LHB. See LHB stress. Stress, LHB stress. See LHB buy a bracelet, anklet, necklace, rings, and earrings and her first Nora Roberts book containing two stories (an Irish hero and thoroughbreds and an Irish hero whoís a photographer, couldnít miss). Then see LHB buy a gallon of premium Rocky Road ice cream, three bags of Oreos (two chocolate and one regular), and another Nora Robert book (also containing two stories only both of these involve chefs). Can you say STRESS:?!. The good news is that I spent most of the day with my sister, so I was out of the house. She had stuff to do at school, so I wrote story (a very good thing) and started in on the horsie story. Great stuff. Another good thing, Iíve been home for almost an hour and have only eaten a handful of Oreos. The RR is in the freezer untouched. Miracles never cease. Whatís more, I donít think Iíll be going after them this evening. Wow! I have to enter all the new story I wrote by hand. Happy Birth Day to Janís new little grandson. What a wonderful miracle.
8 April 2007 Happy Easter. A quote in Nora Robertís Irish Rebel is ďA child can starve with a full plate.Ē And I realized thatís what I did. Iím learning to settle with it.
15 April 2007 648 miles. As of last Thursday, as it rained that night, so I borrowed the car on Friday morning. Itís been a maddening week, so far as mom has been home with a sinus infection, which means my eating is limited to what I can keep in my room. I did try to nuke a dinner, during which my mother decided she almost must make dinner and needed the microwave. On a happy note, Iíve managed to complete about a third of my book now. It isnít going the way I originally planned at all. LOL! Funny how characters take you where Ďtheyí wish to go, and never mind anything else! What a pleasure!
16 April 2007 656 miles. In Brat Factor today, they talked about asking your inner child what was on their mind today. Mine immediately told me sheís tired of me playing the avoidance game with my mom, making it so Iím not eating healthfully. So, today, I eat healthy despite any digs my mother may send my way. Iím healthy enough to know I deserve better treatment and though she will not give it to me, I will make sure I get what I need from me.
22 April 2007 715 miles. It seems all my other writing as fallen almost to the wayside as I throw myself into the story Iím writing and hoping to have published. Some days I manage to get over 2,000 words though the goal is only 1,000. Some days, I donít reach the 1,000, but try to be gentle with myself and remember the 2,000 days. I woke this morning wondering if I should take a break from the story. Suddenly, I felt as if Iíd been asked not to breath. I may simply allow myself to only idly think on it. Weíll see.
23 April 2007 723 miles. Started the day very badly. I realized why I hate dreaming. In my dreams I have my dogs, my home, and Iím happily married, and then I wake up. When I donít dream, because of sleep deprivation, I wake up from the dark into the morning light. A much more pleasant way to start the day. I was almost creamed by some old guy. I waited for him, to see what he would do,, as he was looking to make a right hand turn. He wasnít going anywhere so I started across, and then he decided to turn. Fortunately, I have very good breaks and reflexes. I was shaking for quite a while. Then on my way home, another car got a little too close for my comfort, only because of the earlier incident was I edgy. Finally, he was able to catch my attention enough for me to realize it was my very dear friend, Scott! What a delight to catch up with him. He and Christine have eight children, and they both work for the airlines. Iíve known them since high school. He will always hold a special place in my heart. God bless him and his family.
30 April 2007 791 miles. No dreams of late. What a relief. Found this quote in Brat Factor today, by Helen Keller: Although the world is full of suffering, it is also full of the overcoming of it. I need to overcome it. Mayhap Iíll start with endeavoring to keep more business like hours for my writing. Itís so easy for me to become distracted. Saturday, when Ruth and I went shopping, we picked up some film Iíd dropped off. I was sure it had some pictures of MissB on it, however, I didnít realize the pictures were from six years ago. The first picture was of her snoozing in the backseat of my car on our way up to Pine Valley, our last trip there. It was after that visit I had to move Pawn. It was a good move for him. I burst into tears right there in Wal-Mart. I miss my baby. I wonít be anyoneís mama this year on Motherís Day.