3 May 2007 843 miles. Today, Iíve managed to add to both Ellie and Jonathan and Frodo and Lily. A good day. Itís been such a relief to have my mom gone with her knee surgery.
6 May 2007 I added well over 1,000 words today. Iíve think Iíve gotten my early chapters straightened out, finally. Now, itís time to move forward. Iím excited for my characters.
9 May 2007 875 miles. Other people eat lunch out every day, I buy a book. Iíve done a bit of thinking of late, endeavoring to understand myself better. I so often declare to myself that I hate my parents, and yet there are so many things that belie that statement. What I feel isnít nearly that strong, and as evidenced by my effort to help my mom when she was in pain, hate is the wrong word entirely. In truth, I love them but only as I love my fellowmen. I sometimes resent them, but more than that I simply donít like them. Theyíre not particularly nice people. Under different circumstances, I would walk away from the relationships as unhealthy for me, and not in my best interest, not even my better interest, not in my interest at all. It takes the edge off.
11 May 2007 905 miles. A whiplash from nowhere. A notice came in the mail today that I was late renewing MissBís license. I wanted to rant and scream, but all I could do was cry as quietly as possible into my pillow. I called the pound and waited through all the choices to get a real person. Poor girl. Gave her the reference number, unable to hold back the tears, and found myself sobbing out that sheíd died and August and Iíd sent the paper working tell them sheíd died. Sheís dead. Oh, God, sheís dead. I miss her so much. I miss my baby.
13 May 2007 In the porcupine book, Dr. Lund suggests that when accepting criticism one put oneís self-worth in a safe place, like a box in oneís mind, then listen to the criticism and decide how to respond. I thought ďwhat a cool idea!Ē So, I proceeded to visualize a box and putting my self-worth into it. In an instant, I was standing in a shredded pile and no matter how I tried to put it in the box I couldnít gather it all up. The tatters were scattered far and wide, and suddenly all I could think was that it was a horrendous mess and how was I ever going to gather it all up again or even find it all again.
14 May 2007 913 miles. My back is worse than itís been in a very long time. I woke up sleeping on my back this morning, never a good thing. Iím so stressed from having mom home 24/7. There is never a time when Iím able to stop being on guard. Worse, sheís feeling totally out of control, which means sheís more vindictive than usual. Iíve been doing my best to avoid her, but I found a letter on the little shelf outside my door. Iím afraid to open it.
15 May 2007 935 miles. Yesterday, we had a girls out to lunch. I brought along the letter, to read in company. It was as bad as I expected. Momís usual tirade of excuses and justifications, though now Iíve read it in black and green (it was printed on lime-green paper) that the house is more important than I am. She keeps denying it. But there in print she states that she knows I love animals but having a dog makes it too hard for her to keep up the house. A lamer excuse Iíve rarely heard. I was willing to sweep regularly to keep up with cleaning up dog hair, but she would sweep again right after me to show how much I missed. She went so far as to sweep three times a day, though there really wasnít that much. She blamed us for black marks on the floor that in truth came with my brothersí shoes whenever they visited. My back is a mess. Iím back at square one. Interestingly enough, though Iím doing my beginning physical therapy again, my 22-mile bike ride actually helped. So Iím not actually back at square one. Iíve made progress.
17 May 2007 966 miles. Finally posted another chapter of Sacrament. It feels good to feel like Iíve accomplished something, besides just surviving.
18 May 2007 974 miles. I was asleep by 10pm last night. Woke once about 430am, but went right back to sleep. My back is slowly improving. It was so frustrating to have it happen when Iíd been doing so well. My flexibility was the best itís been in years!! At least I can put on my socks without wanting to scream. Iíll get it back. Falling back into the old complacency is no longer an option.
19 May 2007 I hate getting enough sleep so I can dream, but I get so tired. I dreamed this morning. Not the monster-type dreams, what most people would consider nightmares. No, in my dreams my purse, my car, and my identity are stolen, while I was getting a rhubarb pie for my dad, because he likes them, but I knew heíd find something wrong with it, but I wanted to do something nice. Iíve lost everything, and then I wake up and realize that in so many ways I have lost everything, at least everything that matters to me, trying to do something nice for my dad. I have been painted into a corner, and I do not know how to get out. Iím trapped. My mother tried to play my cousin against me. I know they didnít tell her that my room gets up to almost 90 degrees when the rest of the house is at 78, which is comfortable for them. Actually, itís comfortable for me, since that is what my room is at when the house is at 74. My mother left a note that I should spend a few days at Ruthís. My back is in so much pain, Iím back to doing my beginning physical therapy. I wake up barely able to move in the mornings, and that is with my special mattress. Iíve been wondering how she would get me when her motherís day letter seemed to have no impact, and now I know. I do not know how much more I can take. As I thought about being painted into a corner, I tried to remind myself that God will not abandon me. But then all I could think was that He was standing there with me, and a part of me feels like what good does it do? I am still just as trapped, just as helpless. There were a couple of shelties up for adoption at the pound this week. I cannot bear to think of what happened to them, even though my heart knows the sad truth. I could have given them a good home. How I loathe and detest myself for not being able to figure a way out of this hell.
20 May 2007 My sister listened to the still small voice and came to my rescue last night. She told dad that she was sick and tired of her and I being blamed for everything that goes wrong in momís life. She told him mom was insane. If you step back and look at her behavior objectively, it is not the behavior of a rational person. Though Ruth told him that the pain medication did not change her personality, dad was saying again today that it was the medication. So I got in his face, and told him that it was who she was with Ruth and I only now everyone gets to see it. I also told him it was a huge relief because now I know it isnít me. Peg is simply floored by the insanity of it all. She canít understand why everyone puts up with my motherís selfish behavior. She does understand why I simply maintain a safe distance, usually locked away in my room. Sheís learned to use the same technique. My father is a coward and only interested in protecting himself. Last night, Peg sassed my brother and he sassed her back, only he does it meaner and ruder. I snapped at him that he better be respectful to her. It felt really good to be able to say that. Now I know I can be in the same room with him without wanting to beat him to a pulp. I can maintain healthy boundaries, without being angry. How sad to be so grateful oneís mother is in the hospital. A simple infection that should be cleared up soon. But what a relief not to have to deal with her at all. And 18 years ago today, I adopted my dear MissB, and dear Lord, how I miss her.
21 May 2007 Iíve been wondering about what kind of difference MissB made in my life. Was it lasting? I found the answer this morning as I thought about adopting a couple of puppies (someday). When I first contemplated adopting MissB I almost did not because I did not want to face losing her when the time came. As I thought of the new lives I want to make a part of my own, I was accepting of the inevitable, that my dogs would pass before I did. I found myself whispering ďMissB please meet them and take care of them until Iím there, too.Ē
23 May 2007 998 miles. I decided to stop protecting my older brother. I finally admitted heís been one of my abusers. And admitted to myself why I didnít hit him back. When he pinched me, over a year ago now, people asked me if I hit him. I told everyone that I was afraid of slamming him into his son, who didnít deserve to be brought into this, but the truth is that I was afraid to hit him. I did hit him once for pinching me, and he hit me back. My arm was bruised, and it hurt more than the pinch did. I never hit him again. I tried everything I could think of to get him to keep his hands off me, but nothing worked until now. Iíve maintained a safe distance now, and itís been pleasant not having to worry about the next time he held me too close or wondering when heíd pinch me again. I believe Iíve finally reached the point where I forgive him, but I will not trust him.
24 May 2007 1000 miles. plus 20 miles Iím feeling sad and yet peaceful, today. Mother got her staples out. Since they were gone for a couple of hours, I took the opportunity to bake a cake. Yummy. LOL!
25 May 2007 28 miles Iím tired beyond words. Jan sent me a mathom for her birthday, and I cried. She managed to send a Frodo action figure I didnít have yet, and actually didnít even know was out there, and a sentiment that touched my heart soul deep. What a blessing my friends are to me.
29 May 2007 50 miles From my porcupine book: ďAn emotionally healthy person accepts responsibility for her own happiness, unhappiness, and behavior. She realizes that life is a gift. It is her responsibility to improve her life. She escapes denial by facing reality.Ē ďAn emotionally healthy person is able to forgive herself and others.Ē ďAn emotionally healthy person will make a plan to take herself from the reality of where she is to a higher and better self.Ē I want that!
31 May 2007 80 miles Had a great session with Kevin. It was great telling him everything thatís been going on. Heís pleased I have a live-in role model. LOL! Ruth and I went to Mimiís Cafť afterwards as always, and I was so proud of myself. I ordered the turkey pesto ciabatta sandwich.