3 June 2007 90 miles Iím finding it rather amusing that now Iíve changed my journal to a monthly posting, the months all start on the third. Nothing earth-shattering, simply an amusing little quirk. Ruth, Peg and I went to the mall yesterday, and had so much fun. Weíll be going back again. Discovered that Wal-Mart does not allow return of books. Note to self: Remember booklist! At Fryís, I saw a man dressed in army fatigues with his wife or girlfriend (didnít check for a ring), but they were shopping together. Funny how it took me at least 10 minutes to gather up enough courage to approach him and telling him that I simply wanted to say thank you. The surprise and quick smile and his own appreciation touched my heart and warmed me through and through. God bless our service men and women. Yesterday, I made it to Raurus Falls, now on to Isengard with Merry and Pippin.
11 June 2007 166 miles It seems Iím doing little writing elsewhere but for my WIP. Work is keeping me busy. Peg continues to be a delight. This past weekend we watched a couple of videos and laughed, a lot.
12 June 2007 190 miles Biked for almost four miles with another woman. We were headed in the same direction, and found ourselves chatting. It was pleasant.
18 June 2007 236 miles Where is the time going? Itís already more than half way through June. Iím hoping to finish my manuscript by the end of this month. Iíve less than 10,000 words to go. Having Peg here is such a wonderful blessing.
11 July 2007 378 miles Itís been a long time. Iíve kept biking but not so good at keeping track of my miles. Iím pretty wrapped up in trying to finish the book with less than 4500 words to go. On the 4th, I grilled my first hot dogs on my Liíl Smokey Joe. Hot dogs should always be grilled. My brother stopped by a few days later and I wished I could joke and laugh with him. Heís great when heís in a good mood, but I knew I did not dare because when heís in a bad mood... End of June, Ruth, Peg and I went to Ratatouille, which was an absolute delight. We laughed so hard we cried. Today, Ruth and I went to Harry Potter, and it was incredible. I want to see it again but will wait until the DVD comes out. Came home and Dad asked me if Iíd added a rabbit to the yard. I told him he was seeing things. I thought he was teasing me; heís done that before. This was worse. There is a very young rabbit living in our backyard. I put out some water, but Dad had to express his surprise that the cats hadnít killed it yet. Why did he have to say that to me? It is so difficult to wrap my mind around the knowledge that my parents hate me so much they go out of their way to hurt me, to seemingly lovingly tease me with what I want and then relish snatching it away. I couldnít help myself; I put out some water and prayed to God to protect the little creature.
17 July 2007 386 miles Alas, Peg headed home today. I miss her already. With the folks at a doctorís appointment today, I sat down to the piano. Iíd forgotten how much I enjoy simply playing whatís in my head. Thank you, Kregg Barentine, who years ago, reminded me that there are only seven notes on the piano and even fewer chords, and music is simply a combination of them.
19 July 2007 390 miles Life is definitely an adventure and God is amazing. Over the last couple of days, Iíve updated my pc and downloaded the upgrade to my security, with a lot of help from Ruth and Al and Justin Abraham. Bless them!!! I fell apart briefly last night; Iíd done it wrong the first time, meaning more work and stress. I should have done it right the first time; what a nasty perfectionistic attitude. Fortunately, I got over it! Justin did a great job and was very polite. I hope I never have to call again, but Iím not as nervous about it now. Ruth has worked hard to teach me that Iím capable, and Iím finally starting to believe her. In ďHer Christmas WishĒ by Kathryn Springer, the hero realizes that heís very good at *acting* Christian, but not very good at actually *being* Christian. He read his scriptures, said his prayers, went to church, but he lacked faith in Godís plan for him. I grew up in a home exactly like that, good at acting but not being. I want to BE a Christian, not just act like one. I also realized that in our home we were never taught the basics about politeness, let alone respect, so now Iím trying to learn. I look back and realize Iíve no long-lasting friends and finally understand why. People look at me and my situation from the outside and figure Iím very well taken care of, without the slightly idea of the truth. It wasnít until Peg actually lived here for an extended period that she realized what a huge lie that was. I couldnít maintain friendships because I had to live the lie, and I would get tired of it. If I did start to share the truth, people had a difficult time believing it was really that bad. On line, I never had to wonder if people would question my honesty. I have been so blessed. Iím endeavoring to turn my life over to God, and I know I want to write Christian romances that inspire and uplift.
20 July 2007 390 miles I canít believe it did it. I finished my book. Tonight, Ruth and I are going to the midnight party for the Harry Potter book seven release. Woohoo!!
29 July 2007 406 miles HP is fabulous. After competent and friendly help from Kiruba Karan at Symatec (and Margaret on add-ons from Firefox), my computer seems to be running all right. Iím still thinking Iíll be saving for a Mac with a flat panel monitor, as soon as possible. I need to be able to trust my tools of my trade. I saw Kevin this week. Heís given me an interesting assignment. Iím not allowed to accept blame or say that anything is my fault. It started with me asking about how to tell the difference between a prompting from God and OCD. Kevin replied that I should ask God. My sister expressed my thought that it felt like a trick question. If I thought Iíd recognize an answer from God, then I wouldnít be asking the question in the first place. Kevin suggested I might not actually want definitive answers from God, then asked me about John the Baptistís fate (beheading), and Abenadiís (burned) and Joseph Smith. When I didnít answer immediately Kevin prompted that heíd been shot, and I admitted that Iíd been thinking about the tar and feathering. Kevinís right: Iím very okay with not getting definitive answers. I told him about my early warning system, i.e., I have this overwhelming sense of calm, like I can handle anything that comes my way, right before my life blows up in my face. A true calm before the storm. And yet, as my peace is shattered I know what to do and do it. No hesitations. I realized that it is very much ďIf ye are prepared, ye shall not fear.Ē And do stress when that calm hits me because I know something is going to happen that I donít want (like my pc problems). But I also do my best to be as prepared as possible for whatever comes my way. If Iím honest with myself, God has never let me down. I may feel utterly alone and lost, but only for a moment because as soon as I think it, I know God is with me, even if He is making me handle the situation. I try to remind myself that Iím on this earth to learn, but sometimes it really isnít very comfortable. LOL! While I talked with Kevin, I admitted that my parents do not have the same hold on me as in the past. Kevin, of course, asked why. I realized that my expectations have changed. They will never love me, but they have done the best they know how. Itís always been difficult for me knowing that people think Iím taken care of living here at home, and knowing that it couldnít be further from the truth. Iíve been unable to maintain friendships because Iíve always lied about my life, until now. Now I have friends who know and accept me anyway. Iíve also come to realize that Iím learning to make boundaries and maintain them. Iím even discovering the art of graduated boundaries. When my brother was visiting, a few weeks ago, I wished I could join in the bantering. Then I realized that if I did, he would decide that everything was status quo, which meant that sooner or later he would once again violate my healthy boundaries. The only safe boundary with him is a strict complete avoidance. With my mother, I can let her a little closer, but not much. I can be civil with her and carry on brief conversations. With my dad, thereís a little more flexibility. I no longer feel the need for an ďall or nothingĒ approach. Itís quite... I was going to say freeing but I think itís more accurate to say that itís such a relief.